Category Archives: Funny

Collection of jokes. Though some might seem politically insensitive, they are not meant to be mean by any means.

Solutions for Leaving Head Lights ON

Following the gloomy, foggy mornings we’ve had in the UK recently, we were regularly getting a couple of e-mails each morning distributed to the whole site saying words to the effect of “Blue Ford Registration W123XYZ lights left on”.

This generated the following e-mails, also all distributed to the entire site. These are all genuine, I have altered them only to remove any clues as to the company/people involved…

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Ladies and Gentlemen,
whilst it is nice to be informed if you have left your car lights on, it is not a very productive use of company resources.

A site-wide mail of this type will reach over 500 people/mailboxes, and apart from clogging the network, adds to the load on the mail server. Messages like these are currently generating over ten thousand mails per week, which costs the company thousands of pounds in lost project time, even if they are deleted straight away by the recipient!

Please can everybody consider their actions before using mail, especially if sending it to large distribution lists.

Thanks.

Simon (IT)

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Re: car lights
I agree it may be a waste of resources to send such a message as a site wide mail message.

I have however a proposal:
How about creating a list/index (maybe Excel spreadsheet) of employee car registration numbers and making it accesible over the network? With such an index we would be able to target the car owners much more prcisely.
Human resources already have the relevant information.

Just an idea

Arne

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Right, lets sort this out once and for all.

Maplin sell a small kit (about a fiver) which you can install in you car to buzz when you open the drivers’ door with the lights on. It’s not that difficult to install (but depends on how awkward your car is). It’s called a car-lights-on-warning-indicator in the ‘car’ section of ‘Projects and Modules’ in the catalogue. Both Maplin and Maplin Professional Supplies carry the item.

So, all you need is a fiver, some bits of wire, some tools and a competent installer (possibly your good self).

Jonathan

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Surely the best way to avoid this problem is to turn your lights off BEFORE LEAVING YOUR CAR. This way you can avoid an unneccessary walk back up to the car park in the rain.

However, if you are rather forgetful – like myself – then perhaps you could tie a piece of string (although fishing line is probably more durable) to your headlamp switch and to a finger on your right hand. The pulling on your finger as you leave the car will remind you to turn your lights off.

Jonnie.

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My, Mail clogging, recommendation is to walk or use public transport.

Regards
David

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Erm…

I was under the impression that most cars had a built in mechanism to turn their headlights off automatically…

Usually after about 9-10 hours!

Byeee,
Steve.

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Top tip:

Employees: Persuade the County Council to install mirrors along the length of the walls in the car parking levels. This way when you park up, you’ll notice some bugger dazzling you with their headlights. When you realise that this is you, this will serve as a useful reminder to turn off your headlights.

Paul.

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Avoid this problem by never tuning your lights on, instead paint the bulbs bright yellow so, from a distance, they look as if they are on. You will also save electricity.

Regards

Alan ( where the hell’s the road gone!!!!!) G.

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Please note that although these proposals are quite ingenious, in this instance, it would NOT be appropriate to submit invention reports to the Patent Department.

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Simply power your lights from a small pedal-driven generator in the passenger’s footwell. This both cures the problem of leaving lights on, and also helps the environment by promoting car-pools.

Do I win 5 pounds?

Ian

P.S. Alternatively, to avoid the problem of wasting people’s time and company resources by sending lots of email, a Bulletin Board area could be set up for this sort of thing (and other non-urgent announcements, requests, whatever).

P.P.S. …or …did someone say Usenet News? No, I didn’t think so. But Lotus Notes is just around the corner (cough) and will probably provide the same sort of facilities.

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People,

I’ve got a good idea. How about removing your car battery and bringing it into work with you each day. That way you can be sure you’ve not left them on!

Steve

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If you fit an array of photoelectric cells over your vehicle’s headlights then it does not matter whether you leave them switched ON or OFF!

Regrds,
Pat

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> People,
>
> I’ve got a good idea. How about removing your car battery and
> bringing it into work with you each day. That way you can
> be sure you’ve not left them on!
>
> Steve
>

That is a brilliant idea. Now the next question is how to remind myself to remove the car battery each day.

ūüôā

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>Top tip:
> > Employees: Persuade the County Council to install mirrors
>along the length of the walls in the car parking levels. This way when
>you
>park up, you’ll notice some bugger dazzling you with their headlights.
>When you realise that this is you, this will serve as a useful reminder
>to
>turn off your headlights.
>Paul.

Did any bright sparks spot the flaw in my earlier suggestion?

However, not to worry:

In the event that you should park backwards, and a car parked opposite has a sufficiently matt finish that blocks reflections from your headlights, simply re-negotiate with the County Council to install additional angled/curved mirrors on the roof of the car park.

This way you can then check the status of your rear lights from reflections bounced from the back wall to the roof, which can then be viewed through your sunroof. Level 5 and sunroofless cars would be a problem though, any suggestions?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > People,
> >
> > I’ve got a good idea. How about removing your car battery and
> > bringing it into work with you each day. That way you can
> > be sure you’ve not left them on!
> >
> > Steve
> >
>
> That is a brilliant idea. Now the next question is how to remind myself
> to remove the car battery each day.
>
> ūüôā
>

That is easy, simply ensure that your car headlights are on when you leave the car in the morning, then as you walk away from the car you will notice the lights are on and will be reminded to remove the battery from the car.

:-)))))))))))))))))))))

Andy

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> > People,
> >
> > I’ve got a good idea. How about removing your car battery and
> > bringing it into work with you each day. That way you can
> > be sure you’ve not left them on!
> >
> > Steve
> >
>
> That is a brilliant idea. Now the next question is how to remind myself
> to remove the car battery each day.
>

Easy, if you are rather forgetful – like myself – then perhaps you could tie a piece of string (although fishing line is probably more durable) to your car battery and to a finger on your right hand. The pulling on your finger as you leave the car will remind you to remove your battery.

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Accidentally leaving car headlights on is only a problem because it flattens the battery.
I suggest that all those who do not have warning devices to tell them that their lights are on, re-wire their ignition switches so that the engine remains running when the key is removed.

By doing this, the car battery will be automatically topped up by the alternator, in much the same manner as when the car is being driven.

Peter
^^^^^

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On the subject of leaving your lights on, I think I have got the answer.
Simply wire your headlights via the drivers seat and then by wearing a metallic pair of pants the act of sitting in the seat will make the connection and turn on the lights. Thus there is no possibility of the lights being left on while away from the car.

Be warned however that if you have a sunroof and if you leave it open on a wet day you could be in trouble.

Barry.

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I think we must get back to the roots here – see Simon’s original mail. The lesson seems to be that in order to avoid using unnecessary bandwidth avoid sending mails which say “to avoid using unnecessary bandwidth …”

Could we extend this idea to save the company money?

To avoid ….. etc. etc.

Ideas on a postcard ( to avoid using unecessary bandwidth ).

JM.

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Fellow battery flateners,

You’re probably fed up with useful hints on how to avoid leaving your lights on, but I feel that I have the ultimate suggestion.

1) Ask your line manager to relocate you to a window seat overlooking the car park

2) Buy a (large) box of spare car light bulbs.

3) Invest in a long range hunting rifle with telescopic sight.

If you accidentally leave your lights on there is no need to return to the car park, just shoot your headlights out.

Regards

HR

PS If you see any other car’s lights on you can shoot those out as well for practice.

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Ladies and Gents,
in support of the company’s values, namely ‘Respect for the individual’ it IS acceptable to continue to use the company mail systems for uses such as informing people if they’ve left their lights on.

Apologies for any offence that may have been caused, certainly none was intended!

Happy mailing!

Regards,

Simon

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back After 6 hours and then analyse The situation.
If they:

    • Are Counting the Bricks – put them in the Accounts Department
    • Are Recounting them – put them in Auditing
    • Have messed up the¬†whole place with the bricks –¬†put them in Engineering
    • Are arranging the¬†Bricks in some strange order –¬†put them in Planning
    • Are throwing the¬†Bricks at each other –¬†put them in Operations
    • Are sleeping –¬†put them in Security
    • Have broken the bricks Into pieces –¬†put them in Information Technology
    • Are sitting idle –¬†Put them in Human Resources
    • Say they have tried¬†different combinations, yet¬†not a brick has Been moved – put them in Sales.
    • Have already left for¬†the day – Put them in Marketing
    • Are staring out of the¬†window – Put them on Strategic Planning
    • Are playing cricket with wickets made of bricks – put them in Help Desk

And then last but not least:

If they are talking to each 0ther and not a single brick has been moved –¬†Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.